...and how was your day?

It's another aloha Friday and earlier I went to a local book store that was having a local psychic/angel reader who was going to be giving a talk. This woman has been doing these talks every Friday for quite some time and for some reason, I have been compelled to go and check her out. I am generally open to psychic's, having been to some many years ago and believe that some people do have this gift. I was sitting among about 15 other people and she was talking about herself and what she does in a reading. She kept looking at me while she was talking, would look away, then look right back at me. I started fidgeting in my seat. Then she walked over to me and asked if she could "read" me, that she doesn't usually do a reading in her talks, but kept "hearing" things about me. I said yes and she sat down next to me. She asked me to say my birth name 3 times. She had her eyes closed for a few minutes then said I was carrying great sadness. There was a dark circle of heavy energy in my chest. She said I was connected to someone who had passed away, but I carried the grief in my chest. She said I must be exhausted all of the time. Of course, I had tears running down my cheeks. She asked me if I was working on a large project. She offered some exercises to do when I need help clearing that grief out. It was quite remarkable. I have had chronic fatigue syndrome for several years and I am tired most of the time. I left feeling emotionally drained but also lighter.
I have mostly been editing this past week. I took my floppy disc's into our computer repair place and they are going to try and print out my missing pages.
Have a great weekend! Aloha

MOTHER'S DAY

I'm a childless mother. There...I said it. It's my 8th Mother's Day without my boy. It's always a little tough, but honestly, everyday without him is tough. And so it goes...
I have to say how lucky I am to have experienced being Sean's mom. I really liked being a mother. I was pretty good at it. I miss it. And as good as my life is now, I think I will always feel broken. No amount of loving can quite fill that space that his absence has left. So that's my little pity party. All I can do is to remember what Sean taught me. Live in the moment, be grateful, have fun and go fast.
I am also blessed to have a fabulous mother. She is everything anyone would want their mother to be. She is kind, loving, sweet, smart and just fun to be with. She lives in San Diego and will be 86 in a couple of weeks. I will be visiting her next month and can't wait to see her. Much, much love to all you mom's out there. Aloha

Hospice Pages

Aloha...it's a cold and rainy Tuesday here on the island. I still haven't been able to print up the missing pages, but that can wait for now. I have been rewriting and editing my hospice notes for the last couple of days. I don't even remember writing all of it, but am so glad I did because I would never have remembered half of it if I hadn't. I was retyping the September 18th pages, the day Sean died. I had my little melt down and have stopped, with two pages more to go. I'll finish it later tonight or tomorrow. It's brutal and beautiful in it's own way. To witness a death, to have the faith that they get to go to the most magnificent place, the privilege and honor of being with your child coming into the world and being there when they leave is such a tender burden. It's so tough to revisit it in print, but it's not like I don't think about it all the time anyway. Much more writing to do, a little every day.

It's another Aloha Friday, and I've made it through the week, excited about writing. I rewrote/edited 38 pages this week, writing a couple of hours every day. What I've remembered is how much I enjoy the practice of writing and the satisfaction that comes with it. Going to Catholic school in the 60's encouraged good penmanship and gave out plastic statues of Jesus or Mary as prizes. I always wanted the prize and usually got it. I still write in my best cursive, even for shopping lists.
I hit a bit of a snag on Wednesday when there were 2 pages missing from my draft. I was rooting around in my desk and found 6 discettes...I think that's what they're called, and they are all marked with "Out Of Breath" and they are old. Probably at least 10 years old. I can't even print them off my computer. I do think I will find my missing pages and will take them into town tomorrow and see if I can get anyone to print them up. That was my gift this week.
My fear of the writing, going there, has faded away. In the meantime, I'll start writing this week about Sean's last month. I have a notebook to work off from. That's the hardest time for me, yet I'm good with revisiting it.
Have a spectacular weekend. Aloha

I REMEMBER...

Aloha...as I go through the pages, I'm struck by the blessings a terminal illness brings. The kindness, the prayers, the love fest...all this positive energy that Sean inspired. It wasn't all doom and sadness. His life was not all doom and sadness. He brought out the best in everyone he ever met, including his mom. And geez, did we laugh! We had major, serious fun along the way. I remember a terrible medical emergency, on Thanksgiving night on Martha's Vineyard where Sean had to be air-lifted by a coast guard cutter to Boston's Children's Hospital. While we were waiting for the transport, Sean was wrapped up in a silver blanket and bag, with his little head sticking out. I thought he looked like a giant baked potato. We started laughing so hard we both had tears coming down our cheeks. Of course, the nurses thought we were nuts. We had this secret language, shared glances over something happening without having to say a word...whole conversations with just one look. Our ever-expanding circle of friends and family who loved us and surrounded us with that love. Such a lovely gift! I try and carry that with me always and have such gratitude for it.

DAY TWO

Aloha...it's late Sunday night and I just finished Page 10. Doing ok so far, and only a little teary a couple of times. Rewriting 10 pages took longer than I thought, but am so glad to have gotten
through it in one piece. I was going through some of the pages earlier and there is a big chunk missing around the 100th page. I've been schlepping this thing around with me for about 12 years. No wonder there are things missing from it. That will be the challenge. If there is anyone out there who would like to read what I am working on and I can figure out how to email from word perfect, I'd be grateful for the feedback.
It was a lovely weekend with John, relaxed and easy. We played tennis this afternoon, and although my right arm is throbbing (recent tendinitis, or Tennis Elbow I'm told), was glad to get out of the house and run around a bit.
Have a lovely week and I'll keep you posted.

OUT OF BREATH, Day One

Happy Saturday! Today I cracked open the manuscript. I took out the first ten pages, sat down at the computer and started re-typing it, making small changes here and there and looking at notes I had written some time ago. Why is that first step so hard to do? Sometimes I can be so detached from it, reading it, and other times the tears start piling up and I can't even go there.
I'm going to try and work on 6-10 pages a day, hoping it won't be so overwhelming if I do it in small chunks. So far so good. I stopped in the middle of the 6th page, and might do some work later on tonight after John goes to bed. Being a night owl has it's benefits and I always did like to write at night.
Thanks again for the support and the comments. I feel like my little world has expanded a little.
John and I are off in a half hour for our regular drive down to the beach to watch the sunset and the paddlers.