LINDSEY OUT OF HAWAII

John and I have been in San Diego for a month now. Our furniture is somewhere floating on the Pacific Ocean and we are staying in my parent's guest room until one of two houses we are trying to buy goes through. We are both working like crazy, but not having our own place & privacy is a bit tough. The upside is seeing my mom and step-dad every day, being able to get my mom to her doctor appointments and errands and just generally looking after them and making sure everything is well in their world. I pray for patience and count my lucky stars. Someday, when we actually have our furniture and computer back, the writing will resume.

JUST 'CAUSE I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL

Finally, brother, whatever is true,
whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable-if anything is
excellent or praiseworth-
think about such things.

BACK ON LINE!!!

After a week with no computer, it's back up and running! John and I are in full swing-packing and selling off household stuff we don't want to ship back to San Diego. I've lived in a lot of places, from San Francisco to Martha's Vineyard, and stops in between, so I've packed and moved more times than I can remember. We're making an offer on a house in my parents neighborhood, and hopefully we'll be able to get into the new place by mid-August. Exciting and looking forward to updating and redecorating our own place. I've packed up the manuscript so I won't be working on it until were moved in and set up. I'll be back in August sometime. Aloha

HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN...

Just back from two weeks in San Diego. Always glad to go, always glad to come home and sleep in my own bed. I'm always sleep deprived and stressed that we're not going to get in all the errands, doctor's visit's, lab visit's, trip's to Costco, seeing John's family, and all the other dozen's of things they have me do. The first week was great. Sally, my best friend of 40 years and sister-in-law, met in Laguna Beach for one night, followed by a visit at her dad's house. That was just spectacularly fun! The second week, I had a 40 hour migraine, a trip to the e.r., and a raging infection that knocked the crap out of me. Me, the retired chef, did not cook ONE meal while I was there. Bad daughter! But I did manage to get everything done but one errand involving a broken clock, so I'm glad about that. The first weekend I was there, I was talking to John about just wanting to see my mom every day. We talked about it for awhile, and the next day when I was talking to him again, he said we should move back to the mainland and live close by and just do what we need to do. Take care of them until it is their time to go. I couldn't believe my ears, but he had been thinking about it A LOT and thought it was time to do it. His dad is 87 and he has a sister nearby, plus two best friends living there. SO, we will move back to San Diego sometime around September and come back to Hawaii to retire. We're both really excited!

Not a word...

O.K....I'll fess up. I haven't worked on the piece for almost two weeks! Oh, I have plenty of excuses plus a sick kitten who is just feeling better as of yesterday. I couldn't get my disc's to print and now I have to remember a section which happened in 1994. I've pulled out the pages to try and start, but I'm just so stuck. I'm leaving for San Diego in a little while for two weeks to visit the parents and I will bring some work and a notebook with me. I think if I just start writing, as always, it will move me forward. I'll check back when I get home on 6/21. Aloha

...and how was your day?

It's another aloha Friday and earlier I went to a local book store that was having a local psychic/angel reader who was going to be giving a talk. This woman has been doing these talks every Friday for quite some time and for some reason, I have been compelled to go and check her out. I am generally open to psychic's, having been to some many years ago and believe that some people do have this gift. I was sitting among about 15 other people and she was talking about herself and what she does in a reading. She kept looking at me while she was talking, would look away, then look right back at me. I started fidgeting in my seat. Then she walked over to me and asked if she could "read" me, that she doesn't usually do a reading in her talks, but kept "hearing" things about me. I said yes and she sat down next to me. She asked me to say my birth name 3 times. She had her eyes closed for a few minutes then said I was carrying great sadness. There was a dark circle of heavy energy in my chest. She said I was connected to someone who had passed away, but I carried the grief in my chest. She said I must be exhausted all of the time. Of course, I had tears running down my cheeks. She asked me if I was working on a large project. She offered some exercises to do when I need help clearing that grief out. It was quite remarkable. I have had chronic fatigue syndrome for several years and I am tired most of the time. I left feeling emotionally drained but also lighter.
I have mostly been editing this past week. I took my floppy disc's into our computer repair place and they are going to try and print out my missing pages.
Have a great weekend! Aloha

MOTHER'S DAY

I'm a childless mother. There...I said it. It's my 8th Mother's Day without my boy. It's always a little tough, but honestly, everyday without him is tough. And so it goes...
I have to say how lucky I am to have experienced being Sean's mom. I really liked being a mother. I was pretty good at it. I miss it. And as good as my life is now, I think I will always feel broken. No amount of loving can quite fill that space that his absence has left. So that's my little pity party. All I can do is to remember what Sean taught me. Live in the moment, be grateful, have fun and go fast.
I am also blessed to have a fabulous mother. She is everything anyone would want their mother to be. She is kind, loving, sweet, smart and just fun to be with. She lives in San Diego and will be 86 in a couple of weeks. I will be visiting her next month and can't wait to see her. Much, much love to all you mom's out there. Aloha

Hospice Pages

Aloha...it's a cold and rainy Tuesday here on the island. I still haven't been able to print up the missing pages, but that can wait for now. I have been rewriting and editing my hospice notes for the last couple of days. I don't even remember writing all of it, but am so glad I did because I would never have remembered half of it if I hadn't. I was retyping the September 18th pages, the day Sean died. I had my little melt down and have stopped, with two pages more to go. I'll finish it later tonight or tomorrow. It's brutal and beautiful in it's own way. To witness a death, to have the faith that they get to go to the most magnificent place, the privilege and honor of being with your child coming into the world and being there when they leave is such a tender burden. It's so tough to revisit it in print, but it's not like I don't think about it all the time anyway. Much more writing to do, a little every day.

It's another Aloha Friday, and I've made it through the week, excited about writing. I rewrote/edited 38 pages this week, writing a couple of hours every day. What I've remembered is how much I enjoy the practice of writing and the satisfaction that comes with it. Going to Catholic school in the 60's encouraged good penmanship and gave out plastic statues of Jesus or Mary as prizes. I always wanted the prize and usually got it. I still write in my best cursive, even for shopping lists.
I hit a bit of a snag on Wednesday when there were 2 pages missing from my draft. I was rooting around in my desk and found 6 discettes...I think that's what they're called, and they are all marked with "Out Of Breath" and they are old. Probably at least 10 years old. I can't even print them off my computer. I do think I will find my missing pages and will take them into town tomorrow and see if I can get anyone to print them up. That was my gift this week.
My fear of the writing, going there, has faded away. In the meantime, I'll start writing this week about Sean's last month. I have a notebook to work off from. That's the hardest time for me, yet I'm good with revisiting it.
Have a spectacular weekend. Aloha

I REMEMBER...

Aloha...as I go through the pages, I'm struck by the blessings a terminal illness brings. The kindness, the prayers, the love fest...all this positive energy that Sean inspired. It wasn't all doom and sadness. His life was not all doom and sadness. He brought out the best in everyone he ever met, including his mom. And geez, did we laugh! We had major, serious fun along the way. I remember a terrible medical emergency, on Thanksgiving night on Martha's Vineyard where Sean had to be air-lifted by a coast guard cutter to Boston's Children's Hospital. While we were waiting for the transport, Sean was wrapped up in a silver blanket and bag, with his little head sticking out. I thought he looked like a giant baked potato. We started laughing so hard we both had tears coming down our cheeks. Of course, the nurses thought we were nuts. We had this secret language, shared glances over something happening without having to say a word...whole conversations with just one look. Our ever-expanding circle of friends and family who loved us and surrounded us with that love. Such a lovely gift! I try and carry that with me always and have such gratitude for it.

DAY TWO

Aloha...it's late Sunday night and I just finished Page 10. Doing ok so far, and only a little teary a couple of times. Rewriting 10 pages took longer than I thought, but am so glad to have gotten
through it in one piece. I was going through some of the pages earlier and there is a big chunk missing around the 100th page. I've been schlepping this thing around with me for about 12 years. No wonder there are things missing from it. That will be the challenge. If there is anyone out there who would like to read what I am working on and I can figure out how to email from word perfect, I'd be grateful for the feedback.
It was a lovely weekend with John, relaxed and easy. We played tennis this afternoon, and although my right arm is throbbing (recent tendinitis, or Tennis Elbow I'm told), was glad to get out of the house and run around a bit.
Have a lovely week and I'll keep you posted.

OUT OF BREATH, Day One

Happy Saturday! Today I cracked open the manuscript. I took out the first ten pages, sat down at the computer and started re-typing it, making small changes here and there and looking at notes I had written some time ago. Why is that first step so hard to do? Sometimes I can be so detached from it, reading it, and other times the tears start piling up and I can't even go there.
I'm going to try and work on 6-10 pages a day, hoping it won't be so overwhelming if I do it in small chunks. So far so good. I stopped in the middle of the 6th page, and might do some work later on tonight after John goes to bed. Being a night owl has it's benefits and I always did like to write at night.
Thanks again for the support and the comments. I feel like my little world has expanded a little.
John and I are off in a half hour for our regular drive down to the beach to watch the sunset and the paddlers.

Let's Get Started

Welcome to my first post, this Aloha Friday evening with the rain lightly falling down. Friday evenings here seem like a Friday evening...know what I mean? Today I connected up with a web site called What Women Write. They were asking readers to write their opening sentences of their work. I got a nauseous feeling in my gut, where I always do when I think about the work, pull out the work, actually write something, stare at the work. Something made me write my first two sentences and press send. I checked out the site a couple of hours later and actually had good feedback from one writer. I burst out in tears. Yikes! So this day, I'm committing to working on the piece, getting help, letting others read it, and trying to find a local writing group that meets on the weekend. I'll be chronicling the journey and if you want to come along, I'd love your company. Aloha